


looks as though we're running out of words to say.

by maiaslightwood



Series: out of the shadows & into the light. [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Episode: s03e13 Beati Bellicosi, Gen, Introspection, other characters are only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-11-17 18:03:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18103637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maiaslightwood/pseuds/maiaslightwood
Summary: Alone in the quiet of her apartment, Maryse reflects on the things she has come to know recently and those she has always known.





	looks as though we're running out of words to say.

**Author's Note:**

> i had a lot of feelings about both lukemaryse and the scene between maryse & alec & izzy so this little thing happened.
> 
> title by _say you love me_ by jessie ware.

She’s staring at the way the candle flame leaves dancing shadows on the wall when her phone chimes. Her thoughts are racing through the things Isabelle and Alec have told her, a jumbled knot she’s trying to untangle even as it raises an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach. 

The things she’s heard about _Heavenly Fire_ are bad enough but it seems to be even worse than she could have expected. With her children sitting opposite her, seeing the tired look in their eyes and the way life has put a strain on their shoulders (a weight she put there herself years ago) how could she let them run head first into this? A few months ago, it would have been about duty, about the family name and honor and how they would bring them all down to ruins she wouldn’t know how to raise up again. But now? Now after the things she’s learned and lost and realized she couldn’t care less about the Lightwood or Trueblood name as long as her children are safe and never have to feel the pain she had to. Never have to feel as hollow and useless as she did the day they burned her runes off with satisfaction and kicked her through a portal.

She knows they already played a dangerous game the past weeks and Heaven knows how delicate Alec’s position currently is – but even that doesn’t matter. If the Clave is ready to kill one of their own special forces guards to keep this a secret they wouldn’t blink twice at the chance to get rid of the children of two disgraced ex-Circle members who have been a thorn in their side for months now.

It’s selfish and wrong, she knows as she rubs at her temples to massage away the start of a headache. She should care about whatever is going on at the Gard, she should care about innocent lives lost and it’s not like she doesn’t. But she cares about her own children more. If that makes her selfish then so be it – she’s been called worse, has _done_ worse.

("You didn't raise us like that", Alec had said with eyes full of that fury to right wrongs. But she had. She had taught them to keep away from Downworlders and to stick to the rules and to not question the Clave's authority. And her children, beautiful and braver than she could ever be, had turned around and slowly shaken apart the confines she had put them in. It's kind of them to claim otherwise but Maryse is no longer blind to her own short-comings as a mother.)

And it’s only recently that she had managed to finally step away from the shadows of her past mistakes and find a small pocket of lightness even with a fundamental part of herself missing. It’s only recently that she had gotten to hear Isabelle tell her she loves her for the first time in years. Only recently that Alec had hugged her close and handed her the key to an apartment with that soft smile she had seen him exchange with Magnus at their dinner. Only recently that Jace had called her ‘mom’ again and she had realized how long he must have held back. Only recently that-

And here her thoughts wander, away from exhaustion and worry to a warm smile and sure hands holding onto her waist and a desperate sort of hunger she hadn’t felt in years. As if Luke had not left her with enough to think about tonight the moment had been overshadowed by her children’s secret. But now in the dark quiet of her small apartment, the memory comes rushing back and with it a flutter, easing away the knots in her stomach and spreading its wings like she hasn’t felt for over twenty years.

If she’d let her thoughts wander further maybe they’d come across a moment similar to this, not quite there but on the brink of something and squashed before it could ever grow. Back at a time when she was young and sure she had all the answers and looked with a narrow-minded focus towards a future that never came. In the end though, maybe they had to live it like this to find their place now.

Without realizing it a smile has crept onto her lips and she runs her thumb over it, almost unfamiliar with the feeling of it.

Her phone chimes again as if to remind her. She picks it up and keeps smiling.

 

 **Lucian** : _Thank you again. I’d say we still make a pretty good team. Good night._

 

And Maryse can’t believe that after the day she’s had she laughs out loud at a simple text.


End file.
